I am writing this blog to help me release a lot of the feelings that I do have about everything that is going on. I'm not trying to sugar coat anything. This process sucks! I know this is what is best for my son but it really sucks. I don't know how parents that have their baby at 24, 25, 26, 27 weeks do it. I really don't. Somehow you find this incredible strength inside that you never knew you could even have. You keep fighting because your baby is to sick to.
When all of this first started happening, I was a complete mess. Complete and entire mess. I still cry every time I leave the hospital for the 40 minute drive home. I cry every time I see a new mommy getting to take their baby home. I actually get mad at them. I know these feelings will eventually get better but for now I am completely jealous that they get to hold their baby whenever they want.
I am having a hard time dealing with being at the hospital for so long and being away from Allison. It is starting to get to her. I am never with Kiko anymore for more then the "so this is the update" talk. If thats what you want to call it. Plus I am not sleeping at all. I pump every two hours so Alexander has enough milk for every feeding without needing to supplement formula and he needs enough of a supply when I'm not here. I have to keep my phone volume up so I can make sure I answer it if there is a problem with Alexander when I am home. So I hear every text message and email that I get also. I actually woke up to over 50 text messages and 21 facebook messages. With the noise going off on my phone constantly, I get no sleep. I wish I could tell you the last time I actually slept for more than 40 minutes. I do appreciate everyone's concern but they need to take into consideration that I need rest too.
I know as the days and weeks go on things will get easier. For now, things are hard. I am so lucky that I have people around me that support me. If I didn't I'm not sure what I would do.
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